Alice in Squanderland
by Lysere
Summary: A trashy take on a familiar tale.


**The rabbit appeared in front of her, asking for her help. It then jumped down the nearest trash can.**

Alice had been living on the streets for quite some time now - the mental hospital could only keep her until she was 18 years of age, and none of her family members wanted to take her in after. She didn't mind, for she didn't want to live amongst people who wouldn't believe her. Granted, none of the other homeless people seemed to be very interested in her stories of Wonderland, but at least they didn't tell her to shut up either. Or worse - try to re-admit her to the mental ward.

Alice always knew the white rabbit would appear again, and when it did, she wasn't phased in the slightest. Instead, she obediently climbed in the trashcan to follow the rabbit once more.

Falling down a trashcan was vastly different than falling down a rabbit hole, Alice soon noticed: instead of being surrounded by peculiar artifacts and curiosities, the only peculiar thing here was the smell, and she wasn't curious at all to find out what commodities were surrounding her.  
After a while, Alice hit the ground hard. She landed in what seemed a junkyard, and the white rabbit stood waiting impatiently. He wasn't as white as she remembered - he had aged into a scrawny, jittery creature. He was filthy and missing patches of fur. Then again, she was no different - she too had aged into a scrawny, jittery creature, filthy and missing patches of hair.  
"You look terrible." Alice remarked.  
"So do you," replied her old friend.

The mountains of rubbish spread far and wide. Alice had been following the rabbit for quite some time now, but she had no idea if they were heading somewhere or had simply been walking in circles - everything looked and smelled the same.  
Eventually, Alice broke the silence: "Why did you bring me back?"  
"I told you, we need your help."  
"'We...'" Alice repeated, looking around. The vast fields of debris seemed pretty barren of other lifeforms.  
"Everyone is hiding," the rabbit answered without following her gaze. "They are too scared to come out. The Queen of Hearts is dead, killed by a vile creature known as Crystal Beth. She wallows in waste, aptly renaming Wonderland to Squanderland. Many tried to stop her, but she ends all who dare defy her."  
Suddenly the air filled with an even more terrible smell.  
"Why do you need me?" Alice asked whilst covering her nose with her hand.  
"We are now entering her lair. Hush now, Alice..."

They entered a burrow in one of the the huge garbage piles, and Alice tried not to vomit. The smell penetrating her nostrils was so terrible she was certain she would pass out. They ventured deep into the burrow, which was lit by an eerily faint green glow. Toxic waste, Alice guessed.  
"I can not go any further, for my nose is far more sensitive than yours. This is why we need you, Alice. Your sense of smell is inferior to all creatures who live here, plus the queen doesn't know your smell either. She is blind, use that to your advantage. Good luck, Alice."  
Before Alice could say anything, the rabbit bolted away. Alice felt like escaping the burrow too, if only to get away from the atricious smell. But she was here now, and had nothing better to do anyway, so she might as well.

Alice walked into what must be meant to be some sort of throne room - inside, a morbidly obese raccoon was singing a rather ominous song. It was a tune Alice never heard before, and the raccoon had a terrible voice, but she could clearly hear every word:  
"Food is gone and the water poisoned,  
Air is toxic, soon they'll all be dead  
Buried in the trash they live under  
Completely deprived of wonder"  
Alice wondered why a queen would want to kill her subjects, for there would be nobody to rule over. On the other hand, she could not deny living in solitude was a rather tempting thought - she too often wished everyone would just leave her be.

Alice was so lost in thought that she didn't notice the singing stopped.  
"Ah, so they sent someone new?" the raccoon asked with a raspy voice. "Who is it this time, a brave knight from a far away kingdom? A bold adventurer seeking eternal fame? Hire-A-Warrior from the Yellow Pages?" The raccoon cackled.  
Alice looked around, and noticed there was nobody protecting their precious queen - perhaps because they could not stomach the smell, or because nobody thought of their new queen quite as precious.  
"Come on then, try it! Kill me, if you can!" the raccoon shouted menacingly.  
Alice tried to get close to the smelly queen, simultaneously trying to tread lightly as well as trying not to throw up. She waded through puddles of toxic waste and dangerously pointy needles, skipped over noisy wrappers and avoided getting caught on rusty nails. All the while, the raccoon chortled and dared Alice to come closer. She described how she would rip her insides out, how she would wear her intestines as a scarf and gnaw on her heart. She would make Alice's end unbearably painful - if the smell wouldn't kill her first, that is.

The raccoon, undoubtedly undefeated for a very long time, had become so arrogant she forgot that there were creatures out there such as Alice: creatures who had, much like herself, wallowed in trash before. Creatures who were familiar with foul smells, who had seen countless of needles, and who weren't afraid of fat raccoons. Therefore it came as quite a surprise when Alice managed to push an enormous shard of glass in the ribs of the trash queen. Alice could feel the glass penetrating and slicing through the skin of her opponent, and pushed the shard in as far as she could. The dying queen shrieked of both surprise and sheer horror. Alice swiftly jumped aside when the blind queen started slinging around herself, unable to locate where her attacker was. Alice watched her bleed dry, unphased by the sight.

Out of nowhere, the rabbit popped up. He smiled, and his hollow eyes had a familiar glimmer in them. "I knew you could do it Alice!" he said. "Stay, be our new queen!"  
Completely gobsmacked, Alice did not know what to say. She hadn't really given any thought as to what she'd do after defeating Crystal Beth - in fact, she didn't even expect she would succeed at all.  
"Me?" she finally stammered.  
"Please Alice," the rabbit begged. "What is left for you in your world? Living on the streets, being mocked by people who don't believe your tellings of our wonderful land?"  
"You are right." Alice said. "I will stay."  
"O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!" the rabbit sang. Filled with joy, Alice burst out in dance.

* * *

"What is she doing?" the woman pointed to a scrawny girl, missing patches of what perhaps once was long golden hair.  
"Oh, that's Alice." the homeless man answered. "Poor little rabbit lost everything, including her mind. You'll get used to her soon. Don't worry, most of us are a bit more sane than her."  
The woman looked at the girl, and for the first time in a while she praised herself lucky. Even though she had lost her home, at least she hadn't lost her marbles like that strange girl who was humming unintelligible words such as "callooh callay" to herself and dancing amidst a pile of trash holding a dead raccoon.  
The woman's newfound homeless friend smiled a toothless grin: "meth is a hell of a drug".


End file.
